Monday, October 17, 2016
Toa
It was pitch black and we could see nothing, I pulled out my touch to see if there was any thing in the cave with me I heard foot steps coming towards me I shined my torch over it. Luckily it was just Johnny his torch had ran out of battery's and he didn't know were he was. So me and Johnny started to walk were he came were he came from in the cave. "No" said Johnny, he sat down and would not get up. I asked him why he refused to come with me. He said nothing.
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Toa, I like the use of the short sentence at the end - short sentences are great at adding a punchy finish. You have a clever introduction, where you have built suspense and then let us relax when we realised it was just your characters friend! I also like how you have used Johnny's actions to show us that he didn't want to go back into the cave instead of tell us that - well done! And you have left me wanting to read read more to find out WHY, this is what good authors do to keep people reading their books! Did you spend some time editing your work? There are a few simple mistakes I think you might pick up when you read it again. I know we have covered the 'y to ies' rule this year, you might want to have a look back in your book.
ReplyDeleteFrom Miss R.